Thoughts on a cold rainy night

It sure has been a while since I published anything here - to be honest, I got busy, I got happy - and I notice that I blog more when I'm not so happy in my offline life. 

From May through October I had an amazing time riding out a whirlwind summer romance - we spent every free moment together taking trips, exploring the vast culinary offerings in the DMV and thoroughly enjoying one another's company. It was a summer I wished would never end, and truthfully am still separately trying to hold on to. I realize it's not healthy to try and hold on to this relationship that has ended, and I know it's not right, but part of me felt so strongly about him that I still can't bear the thought of his complete absence from my life. That's all I will say about that for now, but I will continue to hope that the happiness I experienced this summer was only a glimpse of the happiness I will continue to experience in the weeks and months to come. 

I guess at this point I should let you all know that I didn't come to my computer with a specific thing I wanted to write about, so I'll apologize if my thoughts are scattered. I sat down feeling nostalgic and wanting to put something down. 

I'm looking forward to 2014. There will inevitably be boring days, many of them I'm sure, but I feel more and more now that I have the power to take control of where my life is headed - and more importantly I'm feeling the motivation and drive to make moves. 

One move in particular I'm looking to make in the coming year is beginning an advanced degree. While I didn't read the entirety of my father's thesis (I doubt I would fully understand it anyway, as the topic was mechanical engineering) I did read the dedication. He dedicated his work to his children with the hope that they would do one better. I think part of the reason I've felt less than satisfied in my life as of late is that I know I'm not living up to my potential, and there is a deep seated disappointment that I'm letting myself down. To that end I've been researching graduate programs that I could complete, and I've started the application process for two entirely different graduate programs - one would be a Masters of International Political Economy to be completed in Singapore, the other a Sustainable MBA through an online program with a liberal arts college in Vermont. 

I'm strongly tempted by the desire to leave DC and spend some more time in South East Asia. I like the region, I have a few friends in the area - including two living in Singapore. I would be lying however if the thought of making a change that big doesn't make me nervous - a little voice in my head says that making a move like this would stunt the progression of my personal life. I'm so often reminded by photos and posts on Facebook that all of my friends are getting married, buying houses and having children. However, I can't deny that moving to Singapore would be awesome, and I think a degree like that would put me in a position to do amazing things when and if I decide to return. 

On the other hand, there's an off chance that I can work with my employer to fund part of my online MBA as long as I stay in DC working for him. Which wouldn't be a bad thing. The office is expanding, we may be moving into a new downtown office as soon as the first quarter of 2014 and my job responsibilities may expand to include more office manager duties, which would be good. I would also be able to stay in DC at a time when I've finally begun to get my life together and make some real connections to the city through rugby and the Chive community. Even though I will be first to tell you I want to get out of the city, there's something about DC that speaks to me - especially now. 

I guess I won't have to make the decision until I complete and application and get accepted. Of course I'll keep you all updated. For now, goodnight. 

What does alcohol and tobacco have to do with firearms anyway?

Typically at work I'm busy all day, but today I actually got to enjoy my lunch break and I decided to go outside and sit in front of the Frozen Yo. It struck me that there were no customers in the popular yogurt shop and then I looked across the street to the zoo and read the sign: All Smithsonian museums and the National Zoo are closed today due to the government shutdown. (Yes, my vision is SO good that I can read a sign all the way across the street) And so I enjoyed sitting at an empty table, which is usually a rare commodity on a beautiful day as today was. As I was reading my library book I heard a commotion, so I looked up and some young guy was putting up a DC flag with the words "No Taxation Without Representation" over the ZOO sculpture.

I was very tempted to go up and ask this young fellow what exactly he thought the government shut down had to do with the lack of congressional representation for the district. I racked my brain to find a connection and when I came up blank I thought I should also let this young man know that inconsistencies and unrelated arguments like this simply make him look foolish and uneducated. I did neither, he took some photos, wrapped up his flag and went on his way.

So what does alcohol and tobacco have to do with firearms? Nothing probably. It's a family famous question posed by my grandfather as my parents had finally finished packing the kids up in the car and were walking out the door. I am reminded of that today as the Internet is inundated with everyone giving their opinion on Obamacare, Congress, and the government shutdown. You would think I would know better by now to avoid the masses on social media since the loudest ones are often the ones with the most uneducated opinions. Inevitably though I find these people infuriate me, and I cannot help my compulsion to point out that everything they've just said is moronic for reasons a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, AND k.

I guess in this particular debate I find it hard to swallow people trashing the ACA. Personally for me I will be so relieved when I know my brother who is affected by bipolar disorder will finally be able to enroll in a health insurance plan. I am relieved that contraception is readily available and free to women with a prescription. I am happy that individuals who are under the age of 26 can be covered under their parents' insurance plan. Forcing insurance companies into a market place will only promote competition which I predict will be good for consumers. And further with higher percentages of Americans covered by insurance plans hopefully this will lower overall medical costs. One of the reasons health care is so expensive in the US is the huge number of people who simply aren't able to pay for their care and so they are admitted into the emergency room for any ailment.

Since I do like to lighten the mood after I delve into a politically fueled rant, check out Jimmy Kimmel's video here.

I've got "the bug"...

Are you familiar with the bug? It's that nagging in the back of your mind that goes against any form of setting roots. It's that whisper on the wind that says, "come where I'm going". It's the desire in your feet to walk down paths yet undiscovered - at least to you. It's the empty pages of your passport begging for stamps. I sometimes look at my life and wonder just how easily I could get away, and how long I could stay gone.


Particularly in my days of unemployment I entertained many a thought about getting out of the United States. I could go teach English in an under developed country, I could join the Peace Corps, I could do any number of things over seas - if only I got up and left. A dear friend of mine relocated to Singapore years ago to pursue a Master's degree and she has been beckoning me back to SE Asia for years whether she is actively promoting the school or just posting her amazing photographs online which tease me.

A friend of mine posted this article "Why Young Americans Should Work Overseas" and obviously I'm interested to read about why published authors think one ought to travel, and though I found nothing new and exciting in the article it does make the wheels start turning in my head. Since I have fully recovered from the funk of 2012, I am seriously considering a big move. There's a strong possibility that I may say goodbye to North America for a while.

Funny that just as my dad and little brother will be returning stateside I'm thinking of going away. Though one might say, based on our recent geographic spread, the country isn't big enough for the five of us, family is one of the major things holding me here. The deepest and biggest root I have set in the ground is my family, it's hard to think of being so far away for a prolonged period of time, but is that harder than the thought of staying here and missing out on the rest of the world?

FoMO

Apparently I'm way behind on trending topics in the digital world because today was the first I remember hearing of FoMO - the Fear of Missing Opportunities. As described to me this morning (which could've been taken straight out of a description of how I feel about my life) it's the feeling you get that you're in a great room with many doors leading off it. Behind each door is a different opportunity and experience, you simply have to go through the door. But you're standing there in the center of the room afraid to make the wrong choice. Instead you make no choice. 

This has been my biggest hurdle in getting out of unemployment. After my initial period of self disdain I should've been able to get back up and get back to work, but I swilled around in my pool of self pity and continued to let myself get beat down every time I submitted an application and heard nothing back. Then, after a time I finally started some soul searching to try and find out what type of job I should be looking for, or what type of continuing education I might want to get into. What would I be good at? What do I like to do? What causes do I care about? What jobs would be rewarding? I've come up with a long list. 

Then, just as I'm getting excited about a couple things, my FoMO sets in and I freeze. There are just too many things that I think I would like to do, and I don't want to go down the wrong path and waste precious years of my life. I want to jump on the right track and for everything to be perfect. What if I just get a job as an administrative assistant and two years from now I'm just in the same place I am now, but older? I could've been doing something else in that time that could've furthered my aims in life. I could've/should've/would've something else. But instead I didn't for fear of missing out. 

And I wish I could say I was writing this from a place of clarity where I've overcome my FoMO, but even though I'm starting work and pursuing a wide range of things that may take my life in interesting directions I still feel that sense of "what if this is the wrong thing, what if there's something better I could be doing?". What I have come to terms with though is that I can't simply sit by and wait to figure everything out; primarily because I can't afford to sit around, and secondly because time keeps marching on whether I'm moving forward or not. So, I'm choosing to move forward. 

Ready for love

Since my TV hates me and won't tune in Fox there's absolutely nothing other than garbage on TV Tuesday night (with the exception of NCIS, but I'm not caught up on any CBS shows because they suck and don't put their stuff on Hulu). And at the end of the day I just want to sit around and numb my brain a bit, watching TV was the best option it seemed. So I watched the Voice purely because Adam Levine is a sexy piece of man. At the Maroon 5 concert mom and I went to we actually discussed his sexiness at great length and debated whether we would lick his body after he performed a concert. Even from where we were sitting we could see that he was pretty sweaty. I believe the consensus was that yes, we would still lick him. 

But I digress... because I've had ample TV watching time I have seen previews for the new show "Ready for Love". In the past I have watched and enjoyed watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette. I will tell you that I primarily enjoyed seeing the neat places they travel to. You may however be thinking to yourself that I probably watch it because I'm a sap for romance and/or I am drawn to the dramatics. To which I will not respond as to avoid incriminating myself. 

So, I did sit on the couch Tuesday night watching the lead singer of Plain White Tees meeting 9 women specifically chosen for him by some of the top names in matchmaking. A bunch of girls who were coached on how to interact with this potential suitor, how and what to say, what vibes you should give off, so on and so forth. As if it wasn't bad enough that the 9 of them went on a date with him on camera for national broadcast, they had to follow that with critique from the matchmakers. Nit picking everything the girls had done wrong on the date. 

I find myself singing matchmaker matchmaker make me a match, while I'm writing this, but the show reminds me more of "Honor to Us All" from Mulan. Specifically the lyrics "Scarier than the undertaker we are meeting our matchmaker" seem appropriate. I guess there has been a lot of history of matchmaking, and since moving to DC I've found that it's not easy to meet men, but does that mean I'm completely naive to think that you can just meet someone and fall in love and get married and live happily ever after? 

The obviously silly thing about the Bachelor franchise is that the success rate of their relationships is dismal. Besides that I can't imagine truly and honestly falling in love with someone in a superficial environment that the show creates and while either dating hoards of other men or while he is dating hoards of other women. Although I can't see dating more than one person at a time in any circumstance.  I guess that basically sums up why you'll never see me on that show. But I am curious to see whether the relationships borne from this new show will actually last. They are still creating an unnatural environment, but with successful matchmakers supervising it, will it be different? Either way I think I'll likely still come out from watching the show feeling like Mulan... Maybe I'll pretend to be a man and save the Emperor, then someone will want to marry me.

I feel like I need this beer for when I'm watching any sort of reality relationship show

Do you have a minute?

Damn Neptune's Witnesses... can't escape them anywhere!

So, for the first time in my adult life, I woke up Sunday morning and walked to church. I have voluntarily gone to Catholic mass a few times with a dear friend of mine, but generally I avoid churches. It was one such time at mass, Easter actually, that the members of the church were renewing their baptismal vows. My friend whispered that I didn't need to participate since I in fact was not baptized in a Catholic church, and therefore have taken no such vows, but very quietly I did in my own way. 

And before you get worried that I offended the good Catholics at mass, don't be silly, I whispered everything so quietly that even the person standing next to me couldn't hear. 

Priest: Do you renounce Satan?
Me: (easy question) Yes.
Priest: Do you believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth?
Me: (hard question) Maybe?
Priest: Do you believe in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord, who was born of the Virgin Mary, was crucified, died, and was buried, rose from the dead, and is not seated at the right hand of the Father?
Me: (Hmmm, well you had me at Jesus, but you lost me at virgin...) Kinda.

The other part that plays into this is that I've been taking an active approach to changing my life recently. I have been much more proactive about making changes which are so obviously needed and it has given me a sense of hope to do so. One of the things that I've decided needs to change about my life, particularly since I'm facing a possible commitment to staying in the district for many years, is that I don't have a community connection here, and I don't know people other than those I've worked, played (rugby) or lived with. 

Since I have always enjoyed services at my grandmother's church, I did some online stalking to figure out that they go to a United Church of Christ church. I located my nearest UCC church, which was a mere 0.7 miles from my house, and promptly at 10:20 I walked in a sat down near the back. There are two things that I think may have been a sign... First, I love singing in church, and to be honest everywhere else, Sunday's service involved members of the congregation volunteering their favorite hymns and lots of extra singing. I was informed that this is not how it always is, but I liked it. Second there was a meeting after the service for potential new members of the church to get some information about the church locally and about UCC in general. 

I'm not going to make a habit of posting about my "spiritual journey" because I just think that's cheesy. And it's a terrible pun. The real reason that I decided to write this post anyway was so that I would have a good reason to share that photo. 

Bigger is not better

Oh get your mind out of the gutter... (though I guess if you know me, it could be very easy to jump to that conclusion) As far back as I can remember I have loved miniatures of things based solely on the merit that they were little. Perhaps this is a reflection of my own self value being a rather small child, and who am I kidding, I'm not that big now. But anything from miniature baskets, to miniature tea sets, to miniature board games - the list goes on. If it was tiny I wanted it. So it should be no surprise that my new grown up obsession is miniature living spaces. 


Last summer I went to the folklife festival. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the festival it is hosted by the Smithsonian Institute each year and highlights three cultural groups. Last year one of the groups they featured was campus community, and I was most drawn by *surprise* the miniature house presented by the University of Tennessee. The house was the school's entry into the DOE's Solar Decathlon. Another thing you might know about me is that I'm a huge tree hugger at heart. I'm such a big fan of sustainable, green, composting, geothermal, self sufficient buildings. 


If you've been to my apartment you'll know that it is by no means small, in fact for a city it is pretty outrageously huge at ~1,200 sq. ft. Don't get me wrong, I love my apartment, we could probably have a fourth person live in our hall closet, it's just that big (and there's a light in there if you're interested in moving in), but I know I won't live here forever, I'm just not an apartment person. Also being cooped up in my apartment sometimes makes me want to move out into the woods and take up as a hermit. Which of course I could move to Vermont and live in the woods, but I would need to build something. 

So it's my new life goal to build a mini sustainable house. Right after getting a job, and saving up the required financing for building a house. For some cool mini houses check out these websites, you might just be inspired:  http://www.littlediggs.com, 10 Best Sustainable Homes of 2010, and Design Boom's Gallery of tiny houses. I'll be sure to invite you all to see my tiny house when it's done... just one at a time.

Not another gun control argument....

So, yes I'm still unemployed, which gives me lots of free time. And in this free time I have taken up watching the news. I have to say that I am so over all of the politicians and their sudden interest in gun control. Could our politicians maybe focus on, oh I don't know... eliminating national debt; fixing the health care system; fixing social security; marriage equality; better ways to deal with illegal immigrants; plans for reducing our dependency on foreign oil; ways to decrease unemployment; ways to fix the welfare system... I could go on, but I think I've illustrated my point - I don't think gun control laws are really what congress should be focusing on. 

Wait, does that mean I think gun control is unimportant and the tragic shootings that have happened lately are trivial? Frankly to a certain extent yes. But, before you jump down my throat about being an insensitive bitch consider this from the CDC's report on deaths for 2010:  138,080 chronic lower respiratory diseases, 780,213 major cardiovascular diseases, 574,743 malignant neoplasms (aka cancer), 38,364 suicides, 35,332 motor vehicle accidents, 8,369 deaths related to HIV, 26,009 deaths from falls, 11,078 deaths by firearms. I think it is a tragedy EVERY time someone loses a loved one. My point being that death by firearms is not the biggest fish we have to fry - in fact we probably shouldn't fry that fish, baked is healthier. 


There seem to be two sets of anti-gun people, those who think we should ban all guns and those who think we simply need more restrictions on gun ownership whether that be implemented through stricter laws against specific types of guns, laws regarding the possession of guns or laws regarding the acquisition of guns. I would happily side with the "ban all the guns" folks if they could effectively eliminate guns from the planet. No military guns, no law enforcement guns, no one who could build their own gun in their garage... if you could wipe guns off the planet, then great I'm on board. This however is up there with an infallible justice system where we could effectively apply the death sentence, but that's a whole other topic. 


My problem with new and additional gun control measures are that the majority of firearm related crimes are perpetrated with illegally acquired weapons and the people who orchestrate and go on shooting rampages are on the whole mentally unstable. Additional legal restrictions are not going to affect these people at all because they're already operating outside the legal framework. The only thing I see in front of the senate committee that even seems useful at all is the increase in federal penalties for illegal gun trafficking. The rest of it is just nonsense. I don't know what every state requires for gun ownership, but US law already requires background checks for licensed firearms dealers to sell weapons, and states should have registration for owning firearms (maybe they do, I've already done a lot of research for this post and I'm le tired). 

Point being that I know lots of people who legally and responsibly own weapons, and I fully support their constitutional right to do so, and I intend to join their ranks someday.

The neighbors, part II.

As you may recall, my neighbors have an issue with volume control. The other night at 3 a.m. I was woken by a sudden burst of exotic music, reminiscent of a busy market in a movie set in the Middle East. You may also recall that I have a special hate for anyone who wakes me up. So, I get out of bed and march next door, and remembering how terribly my last encounter with my neighbors went I take a deep breath and knock on their door the way I used to knock on doors as an RA. 

"Hey, it's 3 a.m. and I'm trying to sleep, my bedroom is right next to your living room - could you please keep it down" (I think I can count that as a +1 for my new year's resolution of trying to be nicer to people in general)

The neighbors proceeded to apologize, tell me they were celebrating someone's birthday, and then repeatedly asked me to join them for a drink since I was already up. I told them "no" probably 5 times before I gave in and joined them. A glass of Baileys (mmmm, Baileys)  a shot and a broken shot glass later I finally left and went back to bed, with earplugs and the neighbors keeping things at a reasonable level.

So now I am in a quandary about whether I continue to despise my neighbors for repeatedly interrupting my sleep at the most early hours of the morning or I get over it because they seem like relatively decent human beings. I mean, they did apologize profusely about being so noisy, but they were also drunk and drunks do just about everything profusely. I guess I'll just have to KCCO, and if they get really awful I can always tell management that they're smoking in the apartment.

Tick tock

By the time my mom was my age, she was married with two children and in another year would be pregnant again! And I guess I just grew up thinking that was how things were supposed to happen. You meet someone in your early twenties, get married and have babies. At least that's the message that my uterus got, and so she's pretty upset since I'm at least two kids behind in her opinion. 

At Christmas last year I was sitting at the table with my cousin Daphne, who was 7 years old at the time, and she turned to me and asked me when I was going to - then she held her hands out in front of her belly in a big circle, and then held them up like she was rocking a baby. It was cute, and pretty much the only person in the family I would accept that question from. A lot of my friends (particularly the ones in relationships) get that question from their family, it used to be a fairly common topic at the lunch table with my girl friends actually. And as it turns out I'm about the only one whose mother isn't hassling me about kids. She's happy just being a mother rather than a grandmother, happy to hang out with me and go on trips without having to factor in a mini human. Not only is my mom supportive of my lack of children, the rest of my family is on board as well. I never have to answer the "When are you going to meet someone and settle down?" question, or defend my life choices, which have simply led me to 26 sans family.

Don't get me wrong I love children and I absolutely want to have them someday, but I am so thankful that I don't currently have any (that I know of). My life is full of uncertainty, I know that there are so many different paths I could head down from here - and I'm happy trying to figure out which one is right for me. However that sort of personal exploration and inward focus is just not compatible with having a child. So, why do I turn into a green monster when I see a pregnant woman and her partner? I know in my brain I don't want that right now, couldn't handle it right now, but somehow there's nothing I swoon over more than a baby. I guess it's my biological clock reminding me that I just can't escape the tick-tock.

Happy New Year!

Well, clearly my new year's resolution was not blogging more frequently. Or if it was, I've failed miserably already. Actually, I haven't made any resolutions yet. I mean, were they due on January 1st? Who were we supposed to turn them in to? I didn't see it on the syllabus. I hope they weren't worth too many points. 

The New Year is worth celebrating as a milestone of our trip around the sun. It's a time to look back on the year behind us and think about what we would want to do differently. I would have to say on the whole 2012 was just okay. A lot of good things happened, a lot of good people came into my life, and a few really awful things happened. No one close to me died, my family and friends are healthy and safe, we've had a lot to be thankful for in the past year.

When I think about what I want to change for this year I am reminded of the Serenity prayer. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I'm going to make 2013 the year I have courage to change the things I can. I will get a job, I will meet my fitness goals, I will think kind thoughts about people (and maybe tone down the road rage), I will smile more and I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country... oh wait, nope, that's the Boy Scout Oath. 

The most important thing to remember though, is that yes - New Years is the time to make your resolutions about how you want the upcoming year to be, but just keep in mind that every single day is the first day of the rest of your life. Every single day you have the power to change your outcomes (unless you believe in determinism, but we can go over that another time).